away

i went away. i watched you from afar in stead. i started writing for a magazine, went out with my friends, met other guys. i met other guys but ended up going home alone most of the time anyway. this was because i couldn't really let go of the thought of you kissing me in the hallway

but i tried. but having you around me, reading your books, eating your bread, drinking your coffee, it just makes me sick that i can not be a part of your daily routines. and i know i brought it on myself. it seems i can not make it right

i walked home alone one saturday evening, i sat down by the road to have a cigarette while listening to a song about the one that got away. it almost made me cry

i went away, but then i came back again. i came back and realized i had ruined it

morning

i woke up in his bed, wearing his t-shirt. went to the bathroom and used his toothbrush to brush my teeth. he made me a cup of coffee while standing over the stove reading the morning newspaper. i wrapped a blanket around me and watched him fix us breakfast in an impressive pace

i had a sip of coffee now and then, read pieces of different articles now and then, but mostly i just watched him move around the kitchen. it is a strange experience getting to know someone new. you have to learn about their habits, their history, their political beliefs. you learn how they respond to different situations, you learn how they show love

i do not know if i will ever get completely used to this situation actually. i find it nerve wrecking at the same time as i find it exiting

is it just me?

cold

he asked me if we could meet this christmas. i feel impatient. he was freezing, i almost put my arms around him. he makes me giggle like a fourteen year old

he keeps saying my name, i love to hear him say it. i am insecure i´ll read to much into it, in to him, but i cant help looking forward to every day i know ill see him again

every sound he makes, every look he gives me, every accidental touch between us, every single word exchanged. it makes me so impatient. i want to know if this is for real

it is hard being impatient when the best thing to do is be the opposite

and while sitting in the reading hall he sent me a text saying he´d love to kiss me outside in the snow. and i almost died

evening

so i told him i had been admiring him form a distance the whole semester. he told me he had wanted to get to know me for a long time. we were standing outside a cafe alone in the snowing winter cold and i could barely keep on my feet when he leaned over and kissed me

i leaned up against the wall and he held me while he kissed me. my whole body just gave in, and when done kissing he looked at me and said; thank you for a fantastic evening. and i said god you're great. just like that

ph

rocks

god i miss summer..
























ph

for real?

as i walked past you i mentioned i was leaving, i went and said goodbye to the others and when i finally walked down the stairs you were standing there waiting for me. i thought you had left, you said. well i didn't, i answered

we walked together across the park, you asked me so many questions, i was nervous. we laughed, i wanted to touch you. you looked at me, i wanted to tell you how i felt

waiting feeling longing knowing hoping looking thinking wanting

you sat right across from me, and i was surprised how easy it was to talk to you, i worried if i had something between my teeth, and when i had to go the other way i heard you whispering my name after me

i had no idea you knew my name

ph

back

you called me up and told me goodbye. i had to have known this was to good to be true, i had to have known i was just being seduced again, by you. i am through, and i am surprised  how easy it as been knowing that you are no longer part of my life. maybe it is because you said you wanted to be, and i shut you down. i don´t know


but i opened the café door, stepped out on the sidewalk and i felt a bit lighter, it was freezing cold, but i reached in my bag for my camera, and took a picture of my shoes touching the asphalt. i liked the smell in the air of winter and i didn't dread the thought of facing it without you

when i got to the faculty i met green in the cafeteria. i have never spoken to him before. he smiled, he asked if i wanted to eat with him. i could hardly hear what he was saying because his lips and eyelashes and dark lovely hair just put me out of play

so i sit here, look over to his chair every ten minutes, try to look as if i am concentrated, have a sip of water now and then, feel my heart pounding extra fast every time he walks by. i can recognize his walk just by the sound of it, and i find myself wondering if we would have worked, if he´s a nice guy, or just another one of those who will step on your heart without thinking twice

ph: here

charlotte

love this still from the film Three (1969). wow she looked so great when she was young. still does



ph: here

again

so you stepped into my life all over again. for the thousandth time. yesterday i walked past your house again, this time i rang your doorbell, you answered sounding happy. and i entered your little universe again. your shirts, your smell, your cigarette-lights in the darkness across the room. i don't know how long i can stand it for

being yours but not entirely. again

i´m sitting here, in the city. all the chandeliers are lit up, and i play the same record over and over again. i love and hate the winter at the same time. love how it makes people so appreciative of the ones they love, lives aren't just fun in the sun anymore, and hate how it makes loneliness a million times harder to handle

and i hope that maybe, just maybe you will appreciate me for real this time, even though my subconscious keeps telling me that i am just being fooled again. deep down i have no idea if i can ever trust you. dirty socks, empty ashtrays and forgotten words, thats what i´ll be left with if you shut me out again. but then it will be for the last fucking time

weakness

i avoided the party because i knew you would be there, i kept convincing myself i was getting over you, i tried my best not to daydream of you, your laughter, your touch, your energy. i did all the things everyone told me would help, got drunk, danced night after night away, kissed and admired others. i told myself i was managing this

when i woke up saturday morning you were standing on my doorstep. it was so cold outside and i opened the door only wearing my morning gown. and you looked like someone from a movie, with your hat, your cigarette and your long coat. i looked into your eyes and started crying

and it was as if i had been acting for such a long time, trying to convince myself i was doing ok. you wrapped your arms around me and whispered that you felt it too. and i couldn't feel the freezing cold anymore, all i could feel was your hands caressing my back, and your kisses on my forehead


























ph: here