campus

i sat on a bench outside the main entrance. for the first time in ages i had let my hair down

i sat there alone for some time, i watched all the young kids who had just started this fall, walking past me with hopes in their hearts, sneakers and summer dresses on to make the best out of one of the last summer days

i took deep breaths, i loved looking at them all confused and exited to see what this school year would bring

with all the new feelings around me i still felt like it was the last day

last day of worn out summer dresses

last day of pink ribbons around used books,
windows opening and golden sparkles of ashes finally let out

last day of coffee and long talks on the stairs,
kicks on the heavy door to make it open faster

it must have been because i because i saw you

you had your red sweater on, brown corderoy pants and a leather bag on your left shoulder

tall, skinny, almost nerdy looking,
still confident though

you looked at me with no sign of recognition and you kept on walking


i guess you must have felt it,
there was nothing left to say

back

you called me up and told me goodbye. i had to have known this was to good to be true, i had to have known i was just being seduced again, by you. i am through, and i am surprised  how easy it as been knowing that you are no longer part of my life. maybe it is because you said you wanted to be, and i shut you down. i don´t know


but i opened the café door, stepped out on the sidewalk and i felt a bit lighter, it was freezing cold, but i reached in my bag for my camera, and took a picture of my shoes touching the asphalt. i liked the smell in the air of winter and i didn't dread the thought of facing it without you

when i got to the faculty i met green in the cafeteria. i have never spoken to him before. he smiled, he asked if i wanted to eat with him. i could hardly hear what he was saying because his lips and eyelashes and dark lovely hair just put me out of play

so i sit here, look over to his chair every ten minutes, try to look as if i am concentrated, have a sip of water now and then, feel my heart pounding extra fast every time he walks by. i can recognize his walk just by the sound of it, and i find myself wondering if we would have worked, if he´s a nice guy, or just another one of those who will step on your heart without thinking twice

ph: here

again

so you stepped into my life all over again. for the thousandth time. yesterday i walked past your house again, this time i rang your doorbell, you answered sounding happy. and i entered your little universe again. your shirts, your smell, your cigarette-lights in the darkness across the room. i don't know how long i can stand it for

being yours but not entirely. again

i´m sitting here, in the city. all the chandeliers are lit up, and i play the same record over and over again. i love and hate the winter at the same time. love how it makes people so appreciative of the ones they love, lives aren't just fun in the sun anymore, and hate how it makes loneliness a million times harder to handle

and i hope that maybe, just maybe you will appreciate me for real this time, even though my subconscious keeps telling me that i am just being fooled again. deep down i have no idea if i can ever trust you. dirty socks, empty ashtrays and forgotten words, thats what i´ll be left with if you shut me out again. but then it will be for the last fucking time

weakness

i avoided the party because i knew you would be there, i kept convincing myself i was getting over you, i tried my best not to daydream of you, your laughter, your touch, your energy. i did all the things everyone told me would help, got drunk, danced night after night away, kissed and admired others. i told myself i was managing this

when i woke up saturday morning you were standing on my doorstep. it was so cold outside and i opened the door only wearing my morning gown. and you looked like someone from a movie, with your hat, your cigarette and your long coat. i looked into your eyes and started crying

and it was as if i had been acting for such a long time, trying to convince myself i was doing ok. you wrapped your arms around me and whispered that you felt it too. and i couldn't feel the freezing cold anymore, all i could feel was your hands caressing my back, and your kisses on my forehead


























ph: here

sunday

so i wake up thinking god i wish you were here. i get in the shower, try to sing songs that doesn't remind me of you, put my dress on, my red hat and my stockings, put todays morning paper in my bag, i go out, its sunny, you're not there, i keep hoping i´ll run in to you by accident

i like the sound of my shoes against the asphalt, i walk up the street, past the cafe we used to go to for breakfast, past your house, your door, your doorbell and your last name on the sign. i stop for a second and i wonder if your home right now, and i battle the wish to call you

i continue walking, feeling quite happy, confident, except for the feeling of you missing, and the continuos discomfort of wondering if i´ll ever even kiss you again

i get to the market, i am there alone this time, i look at the clothes, the books, the furniture, all the time looking up hoping that you´ll be there too, but you never appear

so i sit down in a beautiful chair from the 60´s to read the paper, drink coffee and listen to the marching band. its so nice to be alone, but so painful knowing that just a few months ago you would have been sitting in the chair next to me, and we would joke about our future living room and what it would look like

ph: here

last night

last night on my way home i walked past your house. it was impossible not to think of all the nights
we´ve spent lying in your pleated sheets, talking and declaring our love. reading out loud to each other from books we were fond of, while filling the room with smoke and ashes and all our thoughts

it was so hard to walk by without calling you, but when i had done it, i realized that i´m ok. i will find someone right one day, but its not you. and meanwhile i´ll just have to wait for the ache to let go

ph: hedi slimane

and

and while i walked up the hill to meet you, wearing my red hat and black leather shoes, i was well aware that in just a few minutes we would be lying in my bed just overpowered by the attraction, that i would feel insecure, and that you would be lying there with you eyes closed, smiling and looking so god damned happy, and that my only hope would be that i would be able to make you smile like that for a long long time

and after i remember us sitting underneath the amazingly big tree in the park between our houses. it was around midnight  and i told you about the branches and how they reminded me of wings, and you leaned up against me and kissed me with the greatest affection. and i was in awe





































ph: here

moment

we met for a glass of wine, the whole time i was staring at you across the table and it made me so weak, like you could ask me to do anything and i would do it. i just wanted to be near you. we stared at each other, our knees almost touched under the table. you smiled, i felt sick. i could hardly drink my wine

after wine we sat down at the church steps nearby to have a cigarette, and i kept watching the smoke drifting around you, you looked almost fairytale like. the beautiful autumn leaves, the ground, the smell, the cars passing by, and the people standing just down the road. i could hardly notice them, i was in a different place, one where there was just us, and just for a little while there i wasn't heartbroken at all

not

today is a beautiful one. i have terminated all my university reading plans and i am off to sit in the sun. these days i am dreaming of small apartments in big cities with fringe lampshades and a nice reading chair. i have only been in norway for 3 months, and i already feel restless.

in my mind i keep debating if i want to see you again or not. i think i´ll have to go with not.

she said it would only make me feel noxious, that she knew me well, that i had to let it go. i kicked a stone and realized that she was right. we bought a glass of orange juice and sat down by the fountain. in my mind it kept spinning but she had already made the choice for me. it was exactly what i needed.


























ph: here

sheets

you kissed me on the forehead and left.  i felt empty. how can attraction be so mindblowingly intense? i don't think i`ll ever figure you out. you played with my hair and told me it had to be over. i said i couldn't take it anymore anyway. i looked out the window, into your eyes and out the window again

you asked me if i could feel it. i lied and said no. none of us said a word. i wish i could delete you from my head

the energy filled the whole room. it almost made me tremble. the curtains the floor the bed. i wanted to lie there with you one second and the next i was cursing you in my mind

while tying your shoes you looked up at me, and i leaned against the wall thinking god i wish this could be easier. i told you over and over that i thought you were an idiot. in my head i was screaming why cant you see how great i am? i tried to seem casual about it, but i don't think it worked

watching you walk down the stairs on your way out i closed the door, sat down on the floor listening to your footsteps in the hallway becoming more and more distant. i didn't cry, but it felt like my insides could explode any second, and even though i kept telling myself that this was for the best, i knew that when i went to bed that night, my pillow would still be smelling of you, and that i wouldn't want to change the sheets

ph: hannah metz

let me down 2

when in the middle of all the asking thinking analyzing and knowing, you realize it was never really working at all. seduction can be a powerful drug, and when you find yourself waking up from it all, you find it hard to believe that you´ve really put up with that kind of uncertainty

when remembering how you played with my hair while i pretended to be asleep, my heart sobs a little. of all the times i´ve been lost in someone, no one has ever made me feel so small before

ph: here

in retrospect i know that amongst all the admiring, laughing and listening, in the middle of all the amazing silence and the overwhelming energy in the room, it was never really based on anything else than exactly what was in that room. your books, your striped shirts, your uncertain self, and me (trying to hard)

let me down

it is easy to watch someone from afar and automatically make up a story in your head about how perfect you could be together. not knowing the person makes it so much easier. but when getting to know them, and realizing they are all wrong for you, it can be quite a challenge to accept it. its supposed to make sense, isn't it?

never forgetting how your eyes reminded me of animal eyes when i watched you sleep, and never forgetting how you always kissed me on the forehead when you had to leave. little things can make a huge difference but only for so long

spy

you look like an autonomous french-inspired crossing between a university-intellectual and a thriftstore regular. you have the most intense look that is strict and kind at the same time, how can i survive it?

walking down the street in my grey platted coat i saw you sitting by the side of the road waiting for me, and i felt so insanely nervous that everything would be different this time, there was no logic reason why that would happen, it must have been an expression of the side of me that was scared to death of losing you 

balloon

attraction can be so many things. attraction to intellect, looks, energy or feeling. or a combination. i always find myself questioning what kind of attraction i am feeling towards a person. how do you know its not just superficial? or is knowing that you could gaze into the persons eyes for hours enough?

i want to look up and find that you are enough to fulfill every aspect of what this relationship needs to be.

ph: herfra