upside

years ago i saw you on campus and i went there every day hoping you would notice me.
you never did, i thought. i wandered those halls every single day with books in my hands and my red lipstick on just hoping you would finally talk to me

last week i walked into a party with my heart in my chest hoping you would be there,
i entered the room, almost tripping on the excitement i was feeling,
i sat down on a worn out red chair, talked to some girls i had never met before

and suddenly there you were,
your green eyes looking at me from across the room with such attractive energy,
you asked me if i wanted to come with you outside for a bit

the autumn air was so cold and the leaves were blowing around us. i just stood there speechless, i had no idea what you where about to tell me would turn my life upside down

i saw you on campus years ago and i swore to myself that i would have to speak to you if we ever met again

i could feel the tears almost appearing, but i managed to keep them away
you leaned against me and kissed me,
and i could feel the cool air and your warm touch embracing me

since then i have forgotten what complicated is,
nothing about you is complicated, it just...is

q

does this blog have any readers? i have been away for a while, i know

if you are reading this, would you mind telling me a little about yourself? are you in love? where are you from? do you like old furniture and curly headed boys?

i want to continue, if you want to know anything about me, please ask!

sina

campus

i sat on a bench outside the main entrance. for the first time in ages i had let my hair down

i sat there alone for some time, i watched all the young kids who had just started this fall, walking past me with hopes in their hearts, sneakers and summer dresses on to make the best out of one of the last summer days

i took deep breaths, i loved looking at them all confused and exited to see what this school year would bring

with all the new feelings around me i still felt like it was the last day

last day of worn out summer dresses

last day of pink ribbons around used books,
windows opening and golden sparkles of ashes finally let out

last day of coffee and long talks on the stairs,
kicks on the heavy door to make it open faster

it must have been because i because i saw you

you had your red sweater on, brown corderoy pants and a leather bag on your left shoulder

tall, skinny, almost nerdy looking,
still confident though

you looked at me with no sign of recognition and you kept on walking


i guess you must have felt it,
there was nothing left to say

circle

it took almost a year with other guys in my bed, kisses, necks and lovely leather shoe strings for me to realize i had not gotten over you

i walked the halls of the university with my heart in my throat and a stomach-ache caused of nervousness waiting for the right moment to try and talk to you again

i had kissed you on your cheek, told you we could never meet again like this,

and regretted it ever since

finally i found the guts to talk to you, you had met a girl, younger, slightly prettier, and slightly easier to affect

so i pulled on my coat and i stepped out on the curvy road leading from the university campus to my house

now i can think of nothing else

away

i went away. i watched you from afar in stead. i started writing for a magazine, went out with my friends, met other guys. i met other guys but ended up going home alone most of the time anyway. this was because i couldn't really let go of the thought of you kissing me in the hallway

but i tried. but having you around me, reading your books, eating your bread, drinking your coffee, it just makes me sick that i can not be a part of your daily routines. and i know i brought it on myself. it seems i can not make it right

i walked home alone one saturday evening, i sat down by the road to have a cigarette while listening to a song about the one that got away. it almost made me cry

i went away, but then i came back again. i came back and realized i had ruined it

morning

i woke up in his bed, wearing his t-shirt. went to the bathroom and used his toothbrush to brush my teeth. he made me a cup of coffee while standing over the stove reading the morning newspaper. i wrapped a blanket around me and watched him fix us breakfast in an impressive pace

i had a sip of coffee now and then, read pieces of different articles now and then, but mostly i just watched him move around the kitchen. it is a strange experience getting to know someone new. you have to learn about their habits, their history, their political beliefs. you learn how they respond to different situations, you learn how they show love

i do not know if i will ever get completely used to this situation actually. i find it nerve wrecking at the same time as i find it exiting

is it just me?